Conspiracy: Italy and the dark side of the J!Oscars

28th of May, the break of dawn, no even before. The car packed to the rim, just enough room to squeeze in my wife Daniëlle, my daughter Marissa (3 years old) and myself. Start navigation program, set destination to Italy via Switzerland. Off we go...

We traveled through Germany and passed Wiesbaden. Two days later the Joomla! & Beyond 2010 conference (JAB10) would start here. People from all over the world would be on their way to this place to enjoy a great get together... I was driving past it, with 155 km/h (about the top speed of my 18 year old sturdy Opel Astra... but as ugly as the second mole on my backside (from above)).

I got overtaken by a car with a number plate with AJ-00-MY. I wondered why he was leaving Wiesbaden so fast... Did he already know about the dreaded mishaps to take place only a few days later?

After an overnight stay in Luzern, Switzerland and another 6 hour long – but beautiful - tarmac time, We arrived at our new home for the next two weeks. In a place jammed between the mountains and the beachy Tuscany coastline, Marina di Massa.

It was but a day later when the first signs of conspiracy became clear. It seemed so innocent at first. A man - tanned like a Roman soldier, but that has nothing to do with it – kindly asked me: “Buongiorno, Are you Deutsch?”
“No, we are Dutch”
“Si, si, Deutsch! Ich spreche auch...”
“Nein, I mean, no, not Deutsch. Non parlo Germaniosa. We are Dutch!”
“Ja, Ich spreche...”
“Dutch, The Netherlands, Holland.... Olanda!”
“Si? Auf Wiedersehen...”
“Hmpff...”

This was just the first. After a few of these conversations hope (and sanity) sank and I too began to question my nationality. Was ich, ehm, I German... surely not, I did not have a gold necklace and my German is worse than most Italians. Are they messing with my mind? I must stand strong.

That evening the winners of the J!Oscars (Joomla! Open Source Creative and Artistic Awards) would be announced at the JAB10 (organized by Brian Teeman). Seeing I was nominated in 3 categories I was anxious to find out if I was among the lucky few. I powered up my mobile device and found the page with the results.

Alas, it was not to be... but wait... I DO see my name. “Outstanding Personal Achievement: Peter von Westen”. I began to smile - no, more than that - I began to gloat. But after my eyes and mind got a little time to process some of the information, my happiness resided. What do I see there? “von Westen”? Von? VON? Not van, but von? That sounds pretty German to me. Was this a coincidence? An innocent mistake? No, I don't think so either! Brian Teeman must have been planning this way in advance... informing locals in Marina di Massa that I was coming. He probably was responsible for teaching these Italians German in the first place. Then my eyes processed some more critical information...

“Outstanding Personal Achievement”...“Personal Achievement”... Personal?! What is this all about? It wouldn't be so bad to be recognized for my Public Achievement, but what the Drupal has Brian Teeman and his bunch of merry Jurymen got to do with my Personal Achievement? And what personal achievement is he referring to, that is what I would like to know! Does he know about my 11 meter crocheted ball of wool? How would he know about my personal record “Hours in the bath without moving”? Has Brian seen my collection of Large Ugly Mugs? Or who told him about my ability to turn my eyes really fast? Would he dare to go so deep as to investigate my personal collection of poems I wrote as a teen? And if so, why would he call that an achievement?

I don't know why this is all happening to me. Why Brian Teeman has conjured up this wicked plan to make me appear German to the outside world and tell everyone about my personal life. I don't know if Brian is the mastermind behind this all or if he is just a puppet in this sick game. I wonder if I am the target or just a victim of a plan on a much larger scale.

All I want to ask, no beg: leave my wife and child alone!